Thinking…it’s a beautiful thing, really.
Until the thoughts take a turn for the anxious.
I have struggled with anxiety for my whole life. I remember being shy and hiding behind my mom’s legs when someone new was in front of me.
I remember having dreams that would amplify the fears inside of me.
My brother died an unexpected and tragic death and that made me more anxious.
Then I said good-bye to my babies and almost died.
I struggled. Oh how I’ve struggled.
I’ve worried about losing Richard, my kids, my parents, my friends…my security.
Two years ago, I asked God to take my anxiety. I was done with it. I didn’t want the physical sensation of fear continually with me. The pit of my stomach churning and heavy. I told him to do what he must. I wanted to be free…to understand God’s peace…
Philippians 4:6-7New Living Translation (NLT)
6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
Truly, I wanted to know the peace that passes all understanding.
Now I see.
When you are in such a place that all the worry in the world will not do any good or change any thing. When life is threatened and there is little you can do…why worry? When there is EVERYTHING in the world to worry about….
I could. I could sit and stew…and sometimes I do. There is so much at stake that it literally blows my mind. I have to shut it down. I have to put it away and I do. I place it in a little worry box in my mind and give it to God. He knows exactly where to put it. He’s got it all under control.
I can do this because I believe. I believe in everything he has said. I have experienced things within this crazy life of mine that I don’t doubt that he’s got it all.
He’s got it.
Oh sure, I’m normal and still want to take that box back. I demand it. Then I open it and look inside a bit. I realize it’s an ugly box of rubbish. I take out each worry and look at it a bit then put it all back and give it back to Him.
I have also realized that part of the increase in my anxiety is actually physiological. I mean the tumor is sitting right on that part. It’s fiddling around with my emotional state.
I realize that being a person that has coddled my anxiety has not been healthy for me and I want to get rid of that toxin.
So, I concentrate on the truth. Most worries are lies anyways. Did you know that?
The truth is this. God’s got it. He’s already there. He WAS there. He’s always been. And he loves each and every one of us more than we love our own children. He LOVES me! That’s a lot of love because I get choked up every time I talk about my kids these days. That’s how much I love them. I know I may not be there for them at some point.
Truth is, I have a shortened life span. I will probably not get old. There is a chance I may. I would be super happy to get old with my guy. I could get old. That would be cool. But likely, I won’t. It’s the stats. I’m ok with it because whether I get old or whether I see eternity’s gates sooner rather than later, He’s there.
I know that My Father will always be there. For me, for my kids, for my guy.
He’s got it.
And when I should be riddled with worry, anxiety, regret and fear, I am not. I am NOT. That, my friends is a miracle.