Category Archives: adoption


John 1:12

But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God,

Galatians 4:4-6

But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.”

I have a few friends who have been adopted or married a child who found parents through adoption. Some of those children faced the premature death of their parents and left them longing for what they didn’t have. In my mind, I saw it as such a tragedy. More tragic, somehow, than a child who was born into a family losing a parent. Sounds strange.  That a child would have to grieve twice. That they might think “Why did God bring me to this family only to find myself mother/fatherless?” Again.

I have thought those thoughts. How sad…

Now we are living in a situation where other people may think the very same thoughts.

How sad that those children went to a family that would go through such trouble.

I hope to live a good many years yet, but the reality is that my lifespan may be a lot shorter than I had hoped.

Now my children may have to grieve twice. Once when they were itty bitties and their first moms were suddenly gone. The warm and safe place where they had grown and had heard her voice was suddenly a loud and strange place without the voice that they had gotten used to. Babies grieve. I’ve seen it. Oh, they are resilient and amazing and our babies bonded to us as their parents fairly quickly. From our perspective they were “ours” right away. But they did grieve.

And then again as older children. At the very least, this is not the fairy tale story that one hopes when you are waiting forever (it seems) to bring your children home.

And yet. And YET…there is another part of the story.

We waited and prayed for our children. We agonized over the desire to hold our babies and love our children. WE had dreams and plans. We wanted a family fiercely. God answered our fervent prayers.

After so many years, we finally held our eldest and KNEW he was made for US. We were waiting all that time for him. It was an insanely beautiful moment. Then again when each of our other kids came home, I knew we were made for each other, as crazy as it all got sometimes. God had put us together as a family.

I am tempted to think, why did God put us together as a family if he knew they would have to go through so much? If he knew they would lose their momma prematurely? He could have put them somewhere else where grief would not be so profoundly difficult.

But he let us be their parents. He let them have us. And we are a family in every way except the common genes that don’t run through our veins. God is at work at a bigger picture for them too. He knew. He KNEW they would be going through this. Whoa. And he let me be their mom anyways. That is big stuff. I have been so very blessed to be their mom. The one who got to rock them to sleep and see them laying on my chest with light and beautiful breaths. I got to clean up a lot of poo and puke. Maybe not glamorous but a part of parenthood. I got to see them off to school for the first time and cry about how they have grown up so much. I’ve gotten to see milestones and growth. God let me be their mom. Wow.

We don’t know why God lets things happen the way they do or if he makes things happen sometimes. We wouldn’t be able to handle seeing the big picture. I know deep, deep down that he is purely GOOD.

Things happen.

Then he creates beauty out of ashes. He makes good come out of everything for those who love him.

I trust Him to continue to take care of their hearts even when I can’t mend the broken hearts that will come because of life. Life can break our hearts. I pray there will be people surrounding them who love them almost as much as we, their parents, do. Friends and family that will hold them, listen to them and carry them when they need to be carried.

I didn’t want them to have to go through all of this. But here we are, going through it together, as a family.


March Madness!!

All winter I’ve been waiting for this month! The month where everyone complains about the Canadian Prairie weather and I will be tested in my resolve to stay positive for the first March since, well, probably since I moved to the wide open prairies. I promised myself and God that I would not complain about the weather. I was very specific about that. I didn’t say I wouldn’t complain at all 🙂 but about the weather? Nada negative word would cross these lips. I think I’ve almost done it too.

You see, right here where I live, March is NOT spring, almost never. Winter drags on longer here than a rash on a baby’s bottom. Oh sure, we get tricked into thinking that the snow will be gone soon by the weather forecasters promising a week of above zero temperatures. It makes us all a little loonie. We have a few days of melting, then kabam! it’s the Blizzard of the Century and temperatures at record-setting lows for the first time in history.1960095_10151932139966190_238625747_n

I’ve caught on to the prairie winter weather thing now. It’s only taken me two decades. I’m not fooled this year! And that’s why I’m so darned positive. I moved here willingly, along with my man, and here we are going to stay for as long as the Lord sees fit. I keep trying to convince Him that we are supposed to move to Mexico, or Jamaica or Hawaii but so far it’s a no go. In fact, I’ve met some people from other HOT and tropical lands who chose to live HERE and they are NOT complaining about the weather. If someone who grew up in the tropics or desert can handle these harsh winters then certainly a born and raised Canadian can too! This is a fabulous country and I chose to live here. I am dealing with it! Life is good here too. I have a warm house, a loving family, a peaceful country and friends that make life wonderful.

I won’t complain about the weather. It’s been sunny and cold and I am not down about it. It’s SUNNY!! Yipee!

But the ups and downs in weather have my body in a cranky mood. My spirit is light and happy but my body is in a very dark place. The ups and downs in barometric pressure as the cold and warm fronts make their way into and out of our lives test me. Oh my do they test me. That’s why I promised not to promise about never complaining about my body and it’s cranky old ways.

It goes to show you, fibromyalgia is NOT all in the mind because, besides the hormonal mood swings of peri-menopause, my mind is GOOD. I feel great about getting through winter with God’s strength and positive outlook. I know that determining to not dwell on the negative and instead dwell on the positive my outlook about winter has been awesome. I get those long johns on those cold days and I wrap myself up so I don’t feel the cold as badly.

You see? It was in March that I married the man I still love passionately, the month that I welcomed two of my babies home, the month that other dear family members have birthdays in. Easter is sometimes in March, though, not this year. It’s a time of getting through the last of the challenge of winter and moving onto the hope of spring (sometimes) and it’s just a good, all around month.

It’s MARCH!! Yipee Skippy! I’ve made it through most of the winter and soon it will be spring. Even if it last through record-breaking months or weeks. Last year was the longest one ever so chances are spring IS just around the corner.

I am not going to wish I was somewhere else this last bit of winter! I will be thankful for a WARM house and HOT water. I am incredibly thankful for the way God has provided for us so that we can have a great March! We get to have 2 birthdays, an anniversary, another big 50th anniversary celebration (my in-laws!!) and many other special times this March.

It’s ok if March came in like a lion. It’s ok if it doesn’t go out like a lamb! It’s going to be spring SOMEDAY and that someday is closer than it was last month.

The only March Madness I will feel will be the birthday party and anniversary celebration prep and all it’s insanity. But even then, we are celebrating people we love and I am thankful for them.

I love March!

Well, DUH!

Recently, I had a phone call from a Social Worker. I wasn’t home so the message that she had called was left but not the reason why. This made my mind race with possibilities. First, that some disgruntled someone had made a complaint,   which is every parent’s worst fear, even when completely unfounded. It has happened to great parents…and I think we are that. Well, ok, GOOD parents. Secondly, that our children’s’ birth mother had given birth to another baby and they were looking to see if we had any more room. Thirdly, she was calling to ask if we were still interested in following up our application to Foster-to-Adopt, after putting ourselves on hold for the winter.

Hold up!  Some of you (most) did not know that we were thinking about it again, let alone putting our application in, did you? Don’t feel left out. Most of the world didn’t know, except a few references (and a couple of impartial peeps) we had asked before applying. We were all set to make our adoption plans known when my health took a definite turn for the terrible. We thought we’d see how the next few months went and then address it again. When February came around we realized that we probably were heading another direction because my health was just starting to turn around and who knew what that meant? God was planting different dreams in our hearts and a new child was not a part of that, or so it seemed.

Now, you are thinking “Duh!! No kidding you weren’t supposed to have more kids. I could have told you that.” Well, some of you did. Some of you made SURE that we knew exactly how you felt about adding any more children to the roster. That was probably why we didn’t tell you when we decided that maybe God was tugging at our hearts and we wanted to see what direction HE was taking, and not let everyone’s opinion cloudy our view. Besides, He is very capable of showing us himself what his plans are. And show us He did!

Both my man and I had our hearts tugged again and again by the thought of adding to our brood. Miracles would have to happen in order for us to be able to adopt and we knew that our God was big enough for the task. On the other hand, we knew that if certain things did not happen or did not change, then our answer was clear. God not only made things clear but added a few signs just to make sure we got the message.

It was hard for me to say “Ok, I get it. No more kids.” And then again, it wasn’t as hard as I thought. Maybe that’s why he gave me new dreams. Now I have so many dreams that I think an extra child would be easier. I know what I’m doing (most days) with parenting but with these new dreams? Not-so-much!

Did I just say I knew what I am doing when it comes to parenting? HA! Big ol’ fib there. I know what to do with a newborn. There. I said it. Bigger kid issues are, well, bigger. It hurts my brain, at times.

Anyways, I thought I would put it out there, for all you inquiring minds. Just in case you thought we could really use an extra voice around the table, because it’s…you know… quiet at our table.

Oops! Told another fib.

In the meantime, I’m excited for the new direction that God is taking us. The Social Worker in question, just asked us if we were keeping our application open any longer. I sighed **I wish I could** and with that (and a longer explanation) our file was closed. No more children for this family of six.

From the day we started this road toward children and our first conception of a wee one, to the traumas of our miscarriages, our tragic loss of Josiah, and a few more early goodbyes…then the beauty of holding a child in our arms that was actually, truly ours through adoption and then the hilarious joke on us with three more babies coming in five years…to the conclusion of that chapter. It is now closed (unless God himself opens it back up)….Closed. We are done.

And I am at peace. Good-bye, sweet, sweet baby stage,  when I loved holding them in my arms for hours. Farewell, to the stage of kissing boo boos and cleaning up diapers. Bye-bye to folding you into my arms and singing sweet lullabies. It was a fantastic time with you, my darlings, and I would have shared it with more children had it been the right time.




Big Changes

I started my love of writing at a blog named “Love My Life!” I loved writing my thoughts out, whether they made sense or not. I would rant at times and laugh myself silly about the antics of my four little wonders. It was a sort of therapy. If you haven’t followed me since the beginning, then you’ve not seen the adventure that life handed me when I said “Lord, use me wherever you will. I will go into ministry, go into the mission field…whatever.” or “Please, Jesus, give me children!”

My heart, at eight years old, held  the love of Jesus close  and desired to follow him anywhere he led me. All of my life I felt like I was living the way he wanted me to.

I have only recently realized that I was pretty much living a fake life. I was doing all the right things. Taking pride in being humble…now there’s an oxymoron! I was soaking up the “I don’t know how you do it!” praise. Taking it all in for ME.

This fall, with my health taking a turn for the “Oh my, I think I am dying!” it put it all in perspective. What I really am was not who I thought I was. I thought I was living it all for the Lord. I was really living it all for me.

Pride is a sneaky beast and the sin I had been oblivious to. On the outside I was living a righteous life. On the inside, I was proud of myself but knew my failures only too well. It was ripping me apart.

I had begged God to heal me. I had asked Him to show me what it was that was taking such a toll on my spiritual and physical health. It felt like my insides were being shredded. Anxiety was ripping a hole in my spirit and body.

As my physical body was being rent


Jesus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

apart and I was at the end of myself in every way, I lay in bed and realized that sin was the cause of my anxiety. I was always looking at the external circumstances as the root of the stress. But it was not. No, it was an internal spiritual struggle with sin that was tearing me apart.

I was trying to look the part of the Christian Pastor’s Wife, Mother of Four Children, Keeper of the Home and knowing in my deepest parts that I was failing at my own expectations. It was all about me.

This life is not about me at all. It’s about HIM.

As Jesus ripped at the scab of my sin, I winced and cried. As he allowed other precious believers to speak into my life, the healing balm started working its magic on my soul. My heart cries realizing that I’ve wasted living my Christian Life for me.

Jesus, thank you for your grace. Thank-you for your love. Thank-you for the mercies that you show every morning.

I feel big changes coming on. It is a New Year full of expectation. I do not wish to know what this coming year will bring. I only hope that He is at the centre. I pray that His will be done, truly.