i I think this is a week where everything shifted. I do not want to sound alarming or scary but I feel like it was a shifting week. 

Trying to sty on the ice floe of positivity and keep everyone’s spirits up is exhausting. There I said it

Everyon is repeating. just stay posititive!,and I smile and say that I am doing what I can, but DANG,  do you know how hard it is to stay that positive when they are drilling your veins for the 10th time inten minutes for an IV? Or when the lady across the hall from you has screeched for the 1000th time that week, making it impossible to get a wink of restorative sleep for that entire week. Or, how about the sheer positivity I should exude when thy order another round of tests that will keep me in longer and probe more deeply. I’m sorry but my well of hope runs deeper than mere positivity and good thing too. Because the positive ran out with the 10th clanging and stinking bed pan.  I saw the pit of despair and it was not as funny as the Princess Bride type pit. It certainly did attempt to suck the very pit of my soul though. And came close. I was a breath away from losing that shred of hope. then God showed up in a way you may not expect. The warmth of friendship and hot milk. I needed it. also, a nurse who cared. Bless her. My dispair was lingering still around every sleep deprived corner. and there were plenty. all nigght long i fought despair. i am still feeling it peek around the curtain around at me. its mocking me. “stay positive,” it winks. surei caught A glimpse of heady hop last weekend when i got to go home and party. but when i got back, the party was over and the positivity scurried out the door with my sister, her boys, my husband and the warm milk.
yet there it is said again, and i am not sure people really know what they are sayin? i know they all mean well. i know it is said in love. iknow recoverygoesmuch more smoothly when positiviy can be acheived. how is it done exactly? im are a few things ive learned that i hope to put feet to when all is said and done. feet to when all is said and done.

since my brain has a hard time with noise, change, pain, and any sort of change right now each new thing was hellish. i really dont use thT lightly. even now, new noises startle and disorientate me. unpredictable shifts in conversations leavw me confused.
things that bring comfort and enhance the positive. people who reassure me of the truth. what day is it. what time is it? what great things are happening this week? what progress do we see? creature comforts like comfy blankies, slippers, icecream, donuts(within reasonlol), having people repect my limitations even online. checking to see if its a good time to visit. confusion is not my friend.

i dont even know if im making sense right now. i am trying to express that i am doing my very best to be positive during this whole thing and in the end im a fighter. having people around me who are doing their best to make my lifepredictable and easy are blessings. special thanks to my parents, my kids, my friends, mark and maria, and their kids. youve been beacons of hope and light who have made my life less out of control. when i wake up confused you are there to reassure me. when i lose my chargers and devices they find them.

i know this will get better and that gives me hope

so to wake up from a nap in pain is not just a simple “which batroom today?” its a matter of which one. can i get out of bed. which way?and is someone inthere? then there is the question of pain. where do i go for relief? who has control today and where are they? whereamI?why is my brain panicking? these things arent hard. but they are.
“” in the end I give thanks to my Hope and my sustainer. He calms me down in ways Ativan can’t. 


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