this morning as I awoke I sat with sun coming in my window, speaking hope and life. As my coffee meds and bagel were brought to me I had a realization that much of me was feeling like it was getting lost.
I used to make breakfasts and all meals for babies bustling, toddlers crying and at the very end, myself. Here, I found myself with my “babies” caring for me and the mommy part seemed so much less.
In fact, my darling daughter had an emergency wardrobe issue and in times past I would have hurried out the door and helped her through a personal pubescent crisis. Instead I stayed at home and daddy did the honours (thank god for that) a little more of what makes me mommy slipped out the door with them.
As I continued to sit and think in a quieter house I realized that pieces of me have gone missing.
Baking? I used to love it and to share it with those who needed it. Now people are sharing with us and it is beautiful but I I feel a small sense of loss to not have the energy to whip up something fast and creative for my family by myself.
I am the master of the meds when kids get sick around here. They’ve been terribly sick this week but we’ve been gone and I haven’t been here to hand out hugs, steamers or Tylenol. Someone took my place and I’m so thankful for my mom, though she fell ill as well now. Instead, my husband is doling me meds like a momma nurse. He’s good but it feels so strange to have it out of my control.
I used to know where my underwear were and now my underwear are in mysterious places. I used to know what state my laundry was in and about where things were inthe process.
I feel the little things slip from me and wonder where do I fit?
I used to sing but my voice is ebbing. I used to love to visit and my energy is waning. I made light of life but life has been a little heavier and the lightness not as asEASY TO FIND.
I WAITED FOR God in those wondering moments.
WAs he truly going to use me for what he created me to be before I was all gone? What if Marcy slips away before she’s done? Was I going to be any good? Was all the potential that I was born with just going to melt away ? I have always had a keen sense that God created me with a specific purpose, a plan. Was that plan done? Already? I had just told him in November that whatever he needed to do with me to shine himself more clearly that I was willing. I knew the price could be high but I didn’t really know. I sat with Him and I could almost feel him beside me, wrapping me in his love. He whispered ” I made you for this. I trained you for this. You are not disappearing. You are becoming more. I love how I made you and now you are getting ready for the More.the more is not about you, it’s about them, it’s about you who is going to showmore of ME” created,you are loved by me. You are my child. You were made for this and we are in this together.” You are not disappearing child, you may fade a bit, but you are not gone. After this it will be better. I told him it was a fairly hard path and he whispered again “I know. And the path has got some more up hills. Are you in?” I shed a few more tears and leaned in closer. “Fo You? Definitely.