today we got the call that starts us on to our radiation and chemo journey. It starts next thursday. We have a bunch of questions that need asnswers from Drs and people in the know before that hamster wheel starts spinning. We found out that one of the essential meds actually can inhibit the effectiveness of the chemo which is not what we are going for. So we need a few things answered and Dr appointments kept.it seems things are speeding up and going too fast. There are a few other things that need to fall into place in a precise sort of way and I find myself anxious. This week will be another exercise in trusting my loving Father. I seem to need to relearn this over and over again.
I am so nervous about these next steps. How will it go? How will it feel? Will I have adverse reactions?will it work?
The endless confusion I feel in my head in regards to the schedule, my handfuls of meds that I have someone else keep track of. It’s a weird feeling to have pretty much no control of my life at. All. I used to be the master cook and chief administrator round these parts. I multi tasked like a boss. Now I can’t even make my bowels do their dirty work. I think not being in charge of anything and master of nothing is messing with my head.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining because I do see the blessings. I see that my husband is a rockstar in caring for me. It’s not something he dreamed about doing 22 years ago yet here he is the rockstar of caregiving husbands. People have been providing meals and groceries amongst other cool things and we are fed. We have had family and friends sacrifice to be with us and drive me places. Hats have been delivered and make up applied. I could go on. I’ve had people pay for prescriptions unexpectedly. Not only that but the people on my team (pharmacists, Drs, and nurses) have been wonderful at getting me through the hard times.
it’s in all the generosity and love I find distraction from my own angst. I know that God will provide because I’ve seen him do it.
Even in my confusion and pain. He’s doing it for you too just take a look.