Shine – Dec 2012

“This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine”

This is a familiar refrain to many. In fact, at our public school Christmas program last night, it was as the finale of the show. Of course, “light” can mean different things to many people. In my case, what I mean by “Light” is the light of Christ.

In starting this blog, I wanted to make sure that in all I say, I reflect the light that Christ shines in and through me. I want my words to radiate the love, wisdom and words of Christ. I am only human and realize that my words have not always been, nor will they always be. Jesus is full of grace and always ready to forgive. For that I am incredibly thankful.

I ended my last blog because it was full of personal stories that I wanted to keep as it was and publish for our own personal memories. There are so many moments on that blog that are funny, sad, frustrated, open, confused…the list goes on. There are things that I wish I hadn’t shared and words I said in my humanness. I am thankful for all that I learned, the support that I received and the fun that I had while writing that blog. It became a part of me.

I have been going through difficult times this fall. While I’ve always seemed to have something going on with my body, healthwise, I have been going through some sort of crisis this fall. It came to a point that I thought I was dying. I am not afraid of dying because I have a HOPE. I have a future. It just really puts things in perspective. The Lord used this time to speak into my life because I was listening. Finally.

There were sins that I needed to deal with. I probably have needed this wake up call for a very long time. I realized that I had let things overtake my life that should have been drop kicked years ago. Being a Pastor’s Wife does not mean that one has it together. Not at all. I had been living a lie. Lying to myself, primarily.

Part of the lie was thinking that I needed the blog. That it was integral to my mental health. That I needed the great feedback I was getting. I was getting my value from my blog. I was making it more important than it should have been. I thought I was spiritually ministering to people. Now, that’s not a bad thing at all, but I was letting pride get all in there and mess up with my thinking. Pride is a sneaky beast.

I don’t want to just stick a verse in my post to make myself look spiritual. I want it to come from the Spirit. I want to SHINE. Not me personally, but that God will shine in me. I want people to see a radiance that unmistakenly comes from Above.

I have been confused as to whether having a flair or humor in my writing detracts or attracts from God’s ultimate purpose for me. Who am I? How is He wanting to speak through me? What does that look like?

I guess I’ve been wrestling with what God has for me. What he wants to do through me. This life is all I have. I don’t know how long I have. None of us do. I know I really need to make GOOD use of the time he’s given me.

So, I step out in faith. I really do think He wants me to write. In my heart, I believe he wants me to share. I pray I am always soft to his whispers and keen for his direction.


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