February has seen this girl off the computer quite a bit. I, shamefully, confess that I was wasting too much time on the interweb with blogging, Facebook, looking up recipes etc etc…If there was a thing to look up on the internet, I was looking it up. It’s hard for me to say this, but it’s true.
Why is the obvious so hard to say “outloud”?
It was time to face the truth of the whole situation and in the throes of my severe fatigue, this winter, I faced the facts head on. Rather, God revealed it to my open heart. I had come to the point of begging Him to reveal to me what I needed to confess, sin that needed to be unveiled from my eyes. This happened to be one of those areas.
It’s not that it’s a sin to be on the internet and to have “friends” on Facebook. No, it’s innocuous in and of itself, it’s just that it had become too easy for me to click on that favorite website and update myself on everyone’s lives. I had also become enamored with other people responding to my life. This also came out in my blogging. I was blogging for the comments and checking it numerous times daily just to see how many or few people had checked out my blog. My motivation for the whole thing had become something I had not initially intended. I was in it to find my value.
Sad, but true.
I am not a very disciplined person to begin with. I’ve always found it difficult to keep on any one sort of discipline whether it be exercising, reading my Bible, praying, eating healthy or any type of activity that would bring health to my body or soul. I was well practiced at excusing my behavior to myself and to others.
Coming to the end of myself, lying in bed either thinking, praying, sobbing into my pillow, or all three, pushed me to see what I had really become and I did not like what I saw one bit. I saw a selfish, moody, lazy and lonely woman. I saw a person who lied to herself and others regularily. I didn’t lie on purpose, but with my actions and excuses, deception piled up like refuse in an outhouse in the summer.
I quit lying to myself and repented openly and honestly, to my Lord. Oh how he loves me and gives grace abundantly! I asked for healing but he needed to dig through all the mire and clay to begin the process. If he had just healed me outright I would never have seen what I needed to see in my life.
I have been living daily conciously putting on the thought that “Jesus comes first”. I would be lying if I said that every day it was the first thought in my head. It is one I must do with purpose and sometimes I will go a whole day without saying it, until I realize why my day has gone terribly wrong.
That is why I haven’t been around Facebook for a while. It’s the reason my blogging took a turn and I haven’t posted as much lately.