Yesterday was a changing day. It’s the day we found out what kind of alien has been living on my brain. Apparently he’s been a bad boy. Stage three kind of bad. We were hoping for a less frightening sort of alien but it is what it is. We were hoping that “no news is good news” and smiles on the Dr. face meant we were headed in a healing direction.
Who knows? Maybe we are!
But nevertheless, we are at a place where we didn’t want to be but we are anyways.
Being the wife of a pastor, we’ve seen many go through so much. It’s always been someone else. We are used to being the comforters, not the ones who need comfort. It’s weird.
There was a time in our 20’s when we went through many losses. I got pregnant then would miscarry. Then we lost our first born son prematurely. It was a time where many surrounded us and gave us comfort and I learned so very much about grief, God and how to be with those who hurt. But I wasn’t dying. I wasn’t terminal. I lived. I lived even though I had been close to death.
In July of 2012 we had a wonderful holiday in Manitoba but at the end of it, on our way home, I felt overwhelming anxiety. It was like there was a physical hold on me in the form of tension. We drove all the way home, and the whole time I held myself together though I felt like flying apart. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I remember sitting in the passenger seat praying that God would just take the anxiety away. I remember twisting myself into a tight ball and hoping that the tightness I felt would disappear. I breathed deeply again and again but it was still there. The knots.
When we got home and I started doing laundry from our travels, I felt a jolt of lightening hit me. Or at least, that’s what it felt like. I waited a moment and my whole body seemed to slip away from me. My head spun and I sat down not knowing what I should do. Was I having a stroke? I went upstairs and told my dear Reverend that something strange was happening and that my body was falling asleep on the left side. He picked up the phone to call 9-1-1. I told him to wait. Just wait. It seemed to be going away. And as suddenly as it came, it left and I was back to whatever normal was for me. What should we do? We just did nothing. We wondered, but it was gone. Was it all in my mind? Maybe…
I was standing in line a week or more later and paying for my goods and groceries when another spell hit. I felt disoriented, dizzy and asked if I could sit while this feeling passed. The gal at the till was duly alarmed. It was a drug store and they may have dealt with a few people with health problems before. The pharmacist quickly came and voiced her concern. But then, it was gone. I was as right as rain. I drove to pick up the kids and the Reverend at the park where I had left them. We drove to the hospital to see if they had any wisdom. After all, what if it was a stroke?
They checked with a basic neurological test and blood work and all seemed to be fine.
No alarm sounded. Maybe it was all in my head?
I went to the Dr. and again everything seemed “normal”. I had a few more of the spells and they all seemed to be the same. Was it migraines? It seemed to point to migraines. After all I was in my early 40’s and hormones change and all that good stuff.
Then I hit bottom. My whole body seemed to give up that winter. It felt like the longest days of my life. I was in pain constantly, my head and body hurt. I seemed to go through mood swings like never before. Migraines seemed to be the right explanation. I was getting spells on a regular basis and they seemed to be stable in pattern.
One day, I must have looked like death. The Reverend brought me into the Dr and that very day the Dr. sent me to an internal specialist who took his time with me and went over everything…so it seemed.
The internal specialist put me on medication that would help my fibromyalgia and I was desperate to try it. After only a few weeks things seemed to settle into a more manageable pain level. I was on the mend. I also felt like God was dealing with me on a spiritual level and life was turning around.
At the same time, I started this blog, I determined that I was getting healthier and decided to run a 5 km race. I was going to beat whatever was making life unbearable. I had also been praying, seeking God and begging him to take whatever was making me miserable away. I told him that he could do whatever he wanted but to please deal with my anxiety. I didn’t want it. I knew it wasn’t what he wanted for me. I begged for healing. And healing started happening.
And as the spring and summer went on I ran, prayed and felt so very much better.
Then I joined a Bible Study. The story gets so much more exciting from here on out…you’ll want to tune in. I have too much to say and not enough energy to write all in one sitting. I’ll see you next time.
In the meantime, pray for my beautiful family. They are so very amazing. They have seen me through all of my story. First my parents, who are here with us right now, saw us through the first half of my life and through so many baby losses. Now, they sit with me and cry with us. They hug and they heal. They are here. Pray for my kids. They’ve seen me through some tough times, that long winter, two years ago. They’ve grown in love and compassion. There is a long road ahead and I know they will grow in wisdom and grace.
Blessings, dear ones.