My body likes to pull this trick on me I like to call “Crash Day”. It pretty much always looks the same. I push myself hard until I am literally sick to my stomach. I usually awake knowing that there is no way I’m getting out of bed. I either start throwing up or feel like it. Today, thankfully, it didn’t come to that. I knew that if I pushed myself any longer I would end up facedown over the white and stinky low-flow bowl of attrition. I hate it when my body doesn’t live up to my standards and it certainly has let me down a lot more this last year.
Every now and again, like 100X a day, I find myself envying people who have normal to high energy levels. I keep hoping that God will heal me and give me back at least the amount of energy I had before the health crisis of 2012-13. Here I sit, healthier than I was 6 months ago but still not where I want to be. I am thankful that these Crash Days are not as often and as LONG as they were, but I still hate them. Looking back, I’ve had them all my life.
I wish I was like other people who have their gardens all ready for the summer, or who have their laundry at least caught up to this week’s clothing, or who can seem to do everything at once and then some. I wish, but wishing doesn’t make it so.
And so, I wonder…. How do I come to terms with who and what I am right now? How do I accept it and be at peace with where I am and what I am capable of (or not capable of)? How do I put my head in the space of loving my life where it is right now and not always wishing I was more? How do I come to terms with the fact that I’m not going to have my house clean-ish, my garage organized, my spring cleaning done, my baking always needing more done? How do I let go of all those things that make me feel guilty?
Today I ask myself this. Not because I feel anxious about it. I actually feel more at terms with it all. No, I want to be totally at peace with where God has placed me, what he’s allowed me to endure…what he’s allowed my family to endure; a sick wife and mom. OH, that is the part that kills me.
I just hope that what I am and what I have is enough. I know God will work through it no matter what.
God has brought me a long ways since the Crash started. I just want to live every day for what it is and not always desire to be something I’m not, right now. I am not Martha (never was), I am not the Perfect Pastor’s Wife, I am not the crafty and ingenious Mother, I am not a very good friend at this moment.
I am humbled to be alive and still of use to my Creator. I am His Daughter and he is my Father. I am working through pain with each step I take. I am loved by my kids and husband despite my “failings”. I am doing what I can do right now, in this time of my life.
Despite not having the energy I so envy in others, I am propelled by the love of God and by my family. I am blessed!!