Feeling like there is nothing for my children to celebrate tomorrow. If there is ever a moment that I feel like a big fat failure at being a mom, it’s today.
I found myself rocking back and forth and railing at God for giving me such a hard life. I told Him that I didn’t like life right now at all and I would be better off if he would deliver my family from the likes of me. Life was full of physical pain and fatigue that affects how I function, how I treat them, how I look at life in moments like this. I became so overwhelmed by the tasks of parenting, being a wife and serving God that I just wanted to hide in a corner and never come out. I cried, I gnashed my teeth, I told Him that he had failed. I had asked for transformation and here I was beaten to the core of my being, the same as ever.
I cried like a woman unleashed and didn’t care if my family heard me. Then I did. I hoped they hadn’t heard my words.
What kind of example is that? A terrible one.
A child did hear my anguish and came in to comfort me. My heart came undone. How could I rail at God when I have a perfect example of his love wrapping his arms around my waist and rubbing my back? I couldn’t. God answered my angry heart right then and there. He answered with the small arms of my child. I was humbled and healed in that moment.
I begged God for years to make me a mother. I should have begged him to make me a good mother. I have forgotten the pain of barrenness. I have forgotten the pain of Mother’s Day gone by where everyone else (it seemed) got to be honored and exalted because of the ability to push out a child.
Tonight, as all of my littles (and not-so-littles) nestle their heads against their pillows, I remember the pain of empty arms and I am so thankful they are no longer empty. I remember the first Mother’s Day that I celebrated with a wee one snuggled closely against my breast.
I find my heart firmly planted in my throat as the guilt, of searing anger toward the One who answered my fervent prayers, is truly realized and confessed.
I am at peace in this moment. I know there will be four little blessings greeting me upon my waking tomorrow morning. They are all so excited about showing me what they have made for me. Their love for me, despite my failings, is beautiful beyond words.
I am blessed.