I think it’s another stroke…

English: Bratislava; New Year 2005; FireWorks

English: Bratislava; New Year 2005; FireWorks (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

but it’s not.

The sparkles that danced about my eyes as I squinted them open were not my two daughters with in their costumes. No, the “lights” were  an “aura” otherwise known as a migraine of gigantic proportions. I wanted to give in to the mesmerizing white lights swaying and moving in front of me and give in to the intense impulse to lay myself down.

Halfway to Edmonton on Thursday, I started feeling waves of nausea and warmth cascade through my upper body. I careened off the road in my family van and flashed the hazard lights. I was having an “episode”. One of those events that I haven’t had since January. I quickly pulled off because it usually goes from upper body waves to making my hands and legs fall asleep, then a sensation of fainting occurs to conclude it. It was with haste that I pulled to a graceful stop at the side of Highway 16 as semi trailers whizzed by, causing my daughter to say “Wow mom, that was pretty close.”

Migraine Barbie has Snapped!

Migraine Barbie has Snapped! (Photo credit: Deborah Leigh (Migraine Chick))

I silently waited it out as I prayed “Dear Jesus, not now, I can’t have a migraine THIS week. Please heal me NOW. Or help me just get through this insanity that surrounds my calendar.” Once the “spell” was over, we carried on our way. I wondered all the way there, how I would make it to our destination and then continue on for the next weekend. WE had one of the busiest wekeends coming up.

As I sat in the audience that evening, after applying make up and getting my girl into her dance clothes and hair, I started feeling like I wanted to just go lie down somewhere because my head may just fly off onto the stage as the hip hop music pounded and resounded. The 12 groups seemed endless as I hung my head in my hands and endured what could be considered torture. The groups that I could look up for, were really great though. The whirling and flying colors on the stage was enough to make the migraine blossom.

Iraqi Hip Hop dancers and Michael Parks Master...

Iraqi Hip Hop dancers and Michael Parks Masterson (kneeling, furthest right) at a 10-day camp for aspiring Iraqi performers and artists at the National Unity Performing and Visual Arts Academy in Iraq, 2007. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I made it to the end of the segment of dancers which, went well over time. It was late and we had a bit of a drive to get to our overnight stay at our friends home. By that time, I had a little fresh air and some good meds to keep the worst at bay.

Pondering that this migraine was probably from the stress I had put myself under and the thought of all those details I will miss or have missed was only part of the issue at hand. I had actually pulled my neck out badly. Maybe I was free to let myself go from the guilt of causing my migraine. Not that I was flaying myself over being the cause of the pain, but it was a relief that I hadn’t gone “backwards” in the positive steps I’ve taken to lessen my reaction to a stressful time. There was an actual physical component to it.

All this to say, I was blaming myself and my lack of faith, maybe even holding a tad bit of resentment at God since my headaches continue in their blistering pain. But mostly I was blaming myself. How did this migraine start after having had no migraine  for almost 2 months? Was I so stressed out? And I thought I had worked that whole stress thing out in my life and actively been giving it to God.

Then a friend says…”Hormones?” Yep, totally could be them.

husband says, “Is your neck out? Maybe that’s the key”

It could all be right. I was kicking myself about being anxious. Ironic, I know.

I am thankful for a husband who helps big time. He commiserates when he can’t help out, and finds me help if I really need it. I am thankful for friends who make up for my lack and relieve all sorts of pain just being there.

I am thankful for God who provides me with all I need in times that I think are impossible. God is the BEST! I am weak but he is STRONG! He is making me stronger through the struggle.

I love Him so much!


One response to “I think it’s another stroke…

  1. Pain is so hard… never blame yourself for ‘lack of faith’ – God doesn’t hang His head in vexation and beat us up over it – He just encourages us to go deeper. Your expectations of what your faith should look like have to come under grace, friend. I have learned this about myself – I often misapplied strict expectations in the wrong kinds of ways, missing the true sin underneath and being anxious about things that were NOT sin. What a mix-up! Lots to sort through – but we’ll get there…

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