Decisions and the angst

I decided to have another doughnut. No one really cares except the people who have to deal with me groaning about how full I feel. If I would just keep my yap shut, no one would be the wiser.

I decided to brew myself a quick and needed French Press coffee before leaving for church. If I would have done it sooner than maybe the ladies who were on my kitchen team would have had me there to help them set up.

I decided to die my hair chestnut-brown instead of leave it mousey brown. The hair dresser was ecstatic that I made that twice a year appointment because I leave an awesome time (another decision). Besides her, my hair color did not change the world.

I decided to tell my child to wait because I wanted a few more “precious” moments on Facebook so she decided to take a pen and write her frustration on her sister’s book.

Every decision has a result, whether good or bad, life-changing or not. Every decision affects another person in some small way…some would say like a ripple. Every pebble thrown leaves a ripple even if only for a moment.

I made a decision last night and tonight. I made a decision that I am riddled with confusion over. My baby girl (who is five yrs old) has tubes in her ears. After two whole years of being in her ear drums they are both making their way out. A couple of weeks ago she was rooting around by herself in her ear with a tip. I told her to stop. It was obvious that she was feeling something in there and I thought maybe the tube bugging her. I looked but didn’t see a tube. I assumed maybe it fell out.

then there was this week. She was having a bath and stuck her head under water (and I let her…another decision). She winced, which she almost NEVER does. The child has an amazing pain tolerance. I took note of it and thought it was a good thing that her appointment with the ENT was coming up in 2 weeks.

Then there was last night. Honey winced again, in the middle of the afternoon, for no good reason and held her shoulder to her ear. I was wondering what that was about but she resumed to life as normal. At supper I noticed clear fluid leaking out. This has NEVER ever happened even with tubes to drain if it needed. I realized that we were dealing with something more serious than an ear infection. She had probably had a ruptured eardrum that occurred when she winced before. She was not in any visible pain and to get a straight answer out of her…well, we have speech issues here.

ER (TV series)

ER (TV series) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So we decided to wait. Let’s wait and see. There we have it a big decision. My husband and I were both influenced by the rigorous schedule we both had this weekend. I didn’t feel too badly because I knew that if anything changed then we’d be more than willing to fly into the ER with her. Also, the ER in our local city is by far the worst place to sit for hours if you happen to be there for “nothing”. As in, you wait for Hours and the Dr says, go see your family Dr tomorrow and there’s nothing I can do.Then your Dr is away for 2 weeks so you have to go back to the ER to get anything done, thereby wasting a whole lotta time getting nothing done.

Whew! So….what do we do?

Today, the discharge turned yellowish. No fever, no pain, just a change of color. Now what? Birthday or not? Do we wait or do we go? and WHY DO ALL EMERGENCIES OR POTENTIAL EMERGENCIES HAPPEN ON THE WEEKENDS IN OUR FAMILY??? I’m not yelling there, though I kind of am in my head. Sorry.

I got all worked up about it and made my migraine (three days long so far) worse. I decided I’d let someone else decide. I called the local Healthlink.

Nurse didn’t want to make the decision but her “Ew gross” about the ear discharge did not help at all to make me feel better. She said “If anything changes take her in within 4 hours otherwise it sounds like you can go in anytime in the next 24hrs.”

Since little Honey is not feeling terrible and she has no fever and she looks good, we are deciding to wait. And again we wait because tomorrow we have crazy busy morning with Dance pictures for one girl and then church and then another dance picture, which require curling of hair and costume adorning. The curling hair part may do me in…

But then the thoughts hit me what if she gets meningitis because I couldn’t make a decent decision? Will I regret this the rest of my life? Am I a terrible Mom? Oh the thoughts run on.

Then I decided to pray over her. I know. You would have done that first. I’m a little slow for a pastor’s wife.

I realize that God knows best. I am making the decisions as best I can with as much wisdom that I can and my man is right there with me. I pray for God’s protection and healing for my girl and then I need to let it go…yet be watchful if anything does change.

Oy!  I am a woman under construction, for sure! The anxiety part of me just wants to kick my butt.

But God is stronger than my anxiety or anything that could and


There. I got it out. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest. But now I’m going to take her temperature.




One response to “Decisions and the angst

  1. Poor little Honey… My eardrum broke when I was little – one of my very few memories is of rolling around screaming on the couch. She must be a pretty tough little thing…

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