Still the same

Today is one of those days that I think I really haven’t changed at all.

I’m sitting in my PJ’s, hurting all over and not wanting to organize my insanely busy life (for the month of April). I have details screaming at me to pay attention to and I’ll probably forget all the little ones, thereby hurting someone, somewhere by my lack of care about the details. In fact, this week, I forgot to go to a friend’s house to visit her. We’d set up a time and date to get together and I FORGOT. She was waiting, wondering, sending me texts and waiting…and I just forgot. I didn’t get the texts because my phone was mostly dead and who knows where? But the fact is, my memory chip (in my brain) was malfunctioning. I didn’t write that appointment down and so it blew out of my mind like a Calgarian Chinook. In and out.

And that is an example of what happens when I forget the little details like writing it down. I feel like a heel. Stupid. Like I haven’t changed at all. I also feel sorry. Sorry that someone had to suffer because of my inattention to detail.

My body is not cooperating with me this week. I told it that it better smarten up if it wants to be at all those things that we have to be at. Like my daughter’s Dance Festival, (in a town 3 hours away), And the Hatchery Field trip (that I think we have to say no to because it’s another 1.5 hr trip after my 2.5 hr trip for the festival…sigh), or the Birthday Party. We cannot collapse for the Birthday Party because Dear Daughter’s life would END if that happened. Just kidding. It wouldn’t but she would be desperately unhappy.

There is the homeschooling thing too. I must keep at it. There are a lot of details with that which are blowing my brain to bits right now. Won’t go into it, but I don’t want my boy’s education to suffer because of my wish to throw details into the wind.

Details. I’m not good at details.

Somehow, details, a busy season of life, my family and I have to survive together. Somehow we will. But I am truly sorry for those that will have to live with my lack in this area.

Because of my body, even if it has healed a lot, I need to take some opportunities to rest. I feel it today, that if I don’t, the details won’t matter because my body won’t work for the big stuff. The stuff that really matters. So I must extricate myself from the guilt, that is so readily available when I can’t be all and do all, and take a much-needed rest.

Some days I think I haven’t changed at all. Sometimes I feel like my transformation has really been all in my mind.

But I know deep down, where it really matters, that God is at work in me. If I think I’ve taken two steps back, maybe he’s made three steps forward in my life.

Something to think about anyways.



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