Craving

Yesterday I went to my cupboard and opened it up. I grabbed the GF chocolate chips and poured some into my hand. I glanced back into my baking supplies and found the Skor Bar baking bits. A little bit of those crunchy and sweet pieces of toffee wouldn’t hurt, would it? Before checking the ingredients I popped a mouthful of chocolately toffee into my mouth. Ahhhh….oh how I’d craved something like this. It tasted so good I grabbed another small handful of the treat.

No harm no foul. right?

I have eaten very well and have stuck with “the Diet” (Elimination Diet) almost to a T. There have been moments I ingested something I shouldn’t have but usually that was because I didn’t think to check the ingredient list if it said “Gluten Free” or it was because I hadn’t checked “the allowed foods list” and ate something on the “Avoid” list.

If you haven’t checked out what I can and can’t have, it’s here. It’s very restrictive and I’ve really tried but there are some things I just know I’m ok with. It’s hard to cut out those things, but I have, mostly.

As a result, I can feel when my body isn’t happy with me. This is different from a few weeks ago, because my body was in such a state of crisis that I was reacting to everything and anything. My stomach just hurt all the time. I couldn’t really tell why it was so crazed. The Diet has been really good at calming my stomach down to a place I KNOW when I’ve eaten a no no.

That was what happened a few hours after my “treat”. I started really feeling gross in my tummy. I wondered at what I had eaten that was unusual from what I usually had been eating? I searched my memory, had an “ah ha!” moment and grabbed the toffee bits out of the cupboard. Sure enough, my suspicions were correct. It had all sorts of dairy and lactose in it. DARN!! I’m sensitive to dairy. Duh. I knew that I just didn’t want to admit it. I want my creamer in my coffee (I’ve been so good not drinking my coffee…wahhhh). I want a little butter on my toast. Waaaaahhhhhh! Sob!

I knew, by the way my body reacted to that one thing (that I had cut out for mostly 2 weeks) that it was the dairy. I had wondered if it was the coffee or the creamer I was reacting to when I had my coffee a few days ago (Ok, so I haven’t been a saint!) Now I know. Today I tried black coffee to see if I would react to it. All I have to say is that black coffee is gross. But I was desperate and I think I am at the point of feeling exactly what I am reacting to. I needed coffee and it’s kick of energy. It was as good a time as any to see if NOT having dairy made a difference. I have not had a reaction. Good news? Coffee is ok. Bad news? I hate coffee without my cream. Sigh.

It hit me that it’s kind of like when we start letting God shine the light on our sin. We know that we need to admit that it’s a problem, confess and turn away. We have let it go, but then that temptation creeps up on us and tells us that it’s not so bad afterall. Let’s just have a try. so we take the bait. We justify why we are doing it…We try it again. And we feel terrible afterwards. The Holy Spirit is in our lives to shine that light and shining light on our sin is like a bad reaction to dairy (figuratively speaking). We know we shouldn’t have done it, but now we have. We have to live with those consequences and say no to it when the craving hits us again. The more we say no, the easier it is. We know the consequences. We like the freedom from pain and guilt. God changes us. We are cleaner, more able to do his work. More able to shine his light. We are FREE. We can live in the freedom from the things that so easily entangled us. I can live in the forgiveness and grace of our amazing God and be cleansed.

Oh the things I am learning through this time in my life! Why do life lessons have to be so hard? Why did it take until this crisis of health for me to get with the program?

thank you Jesus, for loving me despite my cravings and my failings. You are so forgiving and loving. Keep me strong. Thank-you for the healing I am noticing both in my spirit and in my body.

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