Big decision

Chenopodium quinoa

Chenopodium quinoa (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I stood in the grocery aisle, picked up the package and lovingly stroked the plastic container of food. Oh Chinese shrimp dumplings, why couldn’t you be gluten-free? Fondling food is not one of my frequent pastimes, so as I strained to see the tiny words on the ingredient list, I imagined that because wheat was so low on the list, it would surely do me no harm…would it? It was in that moment I prayed.

I know, praying over food, so old school. We do it every day.

But this was a desperate prayer of “Please God let me be strong!”

In the scheme of things, it really wasn’t that big a deal. Afterall, I just finished going through Reece’s Rainbow available children and, oh my stars! There are kids starving, unloved in crib for their entire lives, never knowing the love of a parent. Never tasting Chinese dumplings. Puts things in perspective for me.

Taking that step of self-control was a biggie for me. I just wanted to not do this Elimination Diet anymore…after two whole days. That would be so ME. I am a quitter. An avoider.

It’s not about me, though.

This month is me doing something that makes me uncomfortable. I knowingly delved into the difficult. I willingly said “yes” to this thing.

And in doing so I said “yes” to God. I want to be changed. Renewed. Transformed. I want to be authentic.

I am naturally a faker. I always thought I was authentic, but that was just a show. I was well versed in showing people what they wanted to see. Do they want to see my chronic pain? No. Do they want to hear my sad stories? Not really.

I’m not totally fake. I do tend to overshare the really real side of me at times. But I would feel so guilty about not measuring up. The guilt was eating me up. The anxiety about me not being what I thought I should be made me writhe in pain, physically, emotionally and spiritually. To look at me, though, I am sure it looked like I had most of “it” together.

So, when I tenderly picked up that delicious package of food, I had a choice to make. Be transformed one choice at a time, or give in. I decided to give God the glory by letting him shine in me that moment…even if it was only between him and I.

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4 responses to “Big decision

  1. I ate two squares tonight. I know. That’s really not much but did I need them? No. Did I even really want them? No. They were just there so I took care of the clean up.
    Good for you leaving that beautiful package behind today!! It’s not just between you and God anymore! I am proud of you and your willingness to obey. (however UNwilling that willingness may be!!)
    I am cheering you on and maybe I need to be doing some thinking (and moving) as well.
    Joy

  2. You can do it Joy! It is hard. Why? I do not know.

  3. One step at a time. One day at a time dear Jesus thats all that I ask, thats all that I hope.

  4. Pingback: Challenging myself | Emerging from the Chrysalis

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