It’s so hard to to meat get to theof this blog. My daughter just informed me she’s becoming a vegan asap. I am facing the big “M and watching greys anatomy. What am I doing to myself?ts been a a rough one guys. I’ve been thinking more thn ever. Existential type thinking nd it’s driving me crazy.

I aam not a philosopher and all the big thinking hurts. The brain is a wild place, I tell ya!there are all sorts of big questions and thoughts that tromp wildly through the wild oats 

Wanting to be profound

but found nothing in th profound bucket today. Well, I did find a lack of space-time continuum. Darn matrix time. Still there’re. I cannot nWke up at all aT anY timE oF day without a majorshift . I mean we all get those moments where we feel out of it after sleeping but my brain is skipping hours, days and weeks at a time! It goes beyond weird straight to headache to nausea then back to panic. Praying that my brain rewires itself asap beause it really feels like more than strange and indescribable.it feels like a terrible repeating nightmare where the gsypmtoms are are all the same but the relief is periodic it creates a tension between terror of what pain do I face today. What day is it today. And how long am I living from minute to minute..?the reprerieve is the group of people I stay with and who comfort me

I

My greatest epitaph. 

I don’t even know what an epitaph is  so when uou figure it out let me know! Lol. 

I am here but not here if you get my drift.

i zm in bed at the U of A  but with no connection to wifi we’ll see what happens. Written a few weeks ago…

The other day when th Dr ordered me here after seeing suspicious results due eo a possible stroke life kind of ent into wait and see mode. I stayed a very long time in ER waiting for the stroke team to be consulted. Then the resident did his best to get my tests moving along and admittmeted me overnight so that it would all get done by Monday….at least that was the hop. This is to figure out whether we can continue onto radiation safely. They want to Make sure that my heart and lungs aren’t throwing clots into a narrowing they fond in one of my arteries. It could lead to a major stroke. All in all to say they are wanting to have a treatment plan to keep me as safe as possible. It just takes time. 
In the meantime r exhaustion is not my friend and I feel disoriented most of the time. 
When they transfer erred me onto this new floor there was a lady struggling with something that has been causing here to burst out into guttural eagle-like schreaching every 5 minutes for days. She has not been able to stop. This led meTo become even more exhausted and disoriented. 

Thankfully I was let out for a day and it seems to be helping. Please pray for the distressed lady down the hall. It must be hard to be her. 
Hoping for answers tomorrow and more rest. Thanks for all of your support. Unfortunately visits unless family are put on hold until I get more rest. They can be arranged by Richard. 7808473222. Thx. Love to you all!

Matrix time still in effect. 

It’s the weirdest feeling. To go into a day, feeling like it should be another day. We are in “the city”  , And it feels familiar yet not all at the same time.  

Dear friends help it feel less strange. Yet I wake up disoriented again and keep wishing that familiarity would breathe hope and not terror into my heart. It will come, they say, and so I pray. Tonight, the Reveverend gets to “play” with a bestie. I pray they relax and Mae memories. 

matrix time

It seems like an eternity since I wrote last. I understand that my spelling was a little worrisome after surgery but I was working with a smaller keyboard and a significant amount of drugs in my system. All very good excuses for a decoding nightmare! Not to mention brain surgery itself.

Recovery has been more challenging than I had thought it would be. I was told it wasn’t that painful of a surgery but I beg to differ.it was highly painful and still is. Between the drugs for swelling, anti seizure meds, the narcotics and  the anti nauseant I am having to take, I have some stuff going on in my body. Pain is a constant companion that will not be shaken. It’s messing with my head too.

The one thing I didn’t see coming was the complete stopping or reversal of time. If you’ve seen the Matrix movies it is horrifyingly accurate. I wake up thinking it is a totally different time of the day. I’m not just talking being disoriented. I’m talking completely different time zone. It’s disconcerting. Now all I need are the groovy moves and a cool long coat. Living the Matrix baby!

I am seeing improvements though. I am able to get up and dressed, appreciate the moments with my kiddos and the small time alone with my man. I am holding conversations with friends and keeping track of life logistics now and again. I’m even blogging. Weee hoo!

I am looking forward to less pain. Time and healing will help. I am looking forward to throwing a party to celebrate the victories and miracles and shaving some heads. eating brain cake will be fun too. We’ll celebrate with expectancy what God will do through treatments. 

Tomorrow we enter another phase. I will get fitted for my superhero radiation mask and with that streak into the treatment zone.
I’ll be posting pics if I can. 

Until I return. Sleep well!

When it’s all work. 

I want to heal. I want to be me again. It’s sure a 

Lot of work though. I want to have a snack? Gotta think about what when how….doesnt seem to come out that easy though. Is all work for my brain to achieve a simple task like a snack.its a weird and childish place to be. I know that I could do many things but it all takes brain work. I had just. Not looked at simple tasks as brain work or tiring in this way. I don’t know why I’m sharing except to share why I look and act like a zombie much of the time. It’s going to take some time for this”retiring. I hope I have that stamina left. 


I cutting my fruit and veggies I take food prep precautions but it just takes a lot more thinking. I got20 cups of produce cut and washed tonight and I felt like I’d run a marathon in my head. An accomplishment though! Small as it is. 

It sounds like tomorrow they may be trying to piece me back together bit by bit. Sleep always sounds relish these days