Before and after

What has changed? 

~Iused to run a business. Now others help keep it going.

~I could multi task now. Not as much

I could remember the date. Forget it all day long and ask kids what time it is constantly

I could plan meals. NowSeems like a monumental chore to think through and get all th components together. Im was a great cook. Now? Hmmmm. There is potential there

Before- not as many meds. Now~ a handful day and night. Richard is my night nurse

Before used to sing in various ways

Now sing in my room to myself and God

What has stayed the same?

My messy room. My van is a disaster

Want my bedroom reorganized

Not changed. Just planning it has issues.

Writing. I had lots of original blog postideas 

My creativity has taken a dive though the hallucinating may give me some good material

Went to start playing piano again and want to learn ho to hip hop

Would like to find an orchestra to take the kids to. Would be FUN!

~I sill have the 

Staring it down

as I move into the next phase of getting this bad boy out of my head I am feeling a lot of things. One of them is an immense sense of gratitude. 

I have s en all sorts of awesome from all kinds of places. I 

Can’t even name them all. Today I can say I have the best people on my team. 

This week my mom has sat with me and given me pep talks at just the right time. Telling me things I needed to hear. 

I’ve had my neurologist listen, really listen and get on things that needed to be done. I’ be had my pharmacy team be available even near shift change and be a comforting source of info. They’ve helped me sort though the confusing world of meds.

My husband has stayed up all night with me as I have groaned in pain and nausea. He rubbed my back and figured out what I could take to make it better. A friend gave me a bag of pjs so I can be comfy and schleppy all the time. My favorite. 

I’ve had people laugh at my lame attempts at jokes. 

I have people willing to sort throgh our tighty whities and sorting the pastor’s skivvies is no joke, Yo! NO JOKE.

My girl still makes me coffee and tea. She’s amazing like that. She hangs out with me and listens to heavy metal. We call it therapy.

I feel like I’m going into this next phase as a team. I will be placing mylife in their hands kind of and it could get intense. But I am so thankful foreach of them. They make my life beautiful. Even in the pain.

5here are those who will be giving me rides, giving my girls rides to dance competitions, giving me my meds at the right times and keeping me on task. There are those who will be keeping me alive and administering care in many ways. I don’t take any of it for granted. Instead I feel incredibly blessed. 

Blog fodder

thdrough my years of blogging I’ve gotten some critique about over sharing. It’s one thing to embarrass myself. I am ok with being self deprecating. I can handle telling embarrassing and quirky stories about myself as long as I don’t bring other people down just for a good laugh. Sometimes it’s been easier than others. When the kids were small I would regularly share cutesy stories because theywere funny and I wanted to record them for future writing the toddler crazydays  helped me gain perspective  and survive those crazy years. We had several special needskids who made life more adventurousso I shared it.Out of that came an online community who supported me In the baby stages of my writing venture.I appreciate the encouragement I got in my early writing years. I learned so much! !ow as I seek to write a book I do not get that immediate feed back that was a great part of early blogging. I must move past the immediate feed back and push through for the long term pay off. In the end I will have a book that is going to be published (my dream) and that will be read by a larger audience.

But here I am blogging again. It excites me and I wonder at how it will all come together in the final chapters. Already I am surrounded by a body of readers who are so very encouraging. 

Basing my life on truth. 

I am going to write about what this means for me, in the next few days. Being out of it I think I’ve let the truth slide a bit. Living my life based on truth will give me a whole new perspective on what I need to live my life

Night times

seem to me like night is the worst time for anxiety to hit. It’s the time where life settles down and gets quiet. Then everything in my body and brain screams for attention. Why do I hurt here? Why is this happening there? Should I wait to pay attention to it tomorrow? Here is my handful of pills…did I take all of them?m what happens if I miss that dose? Oh my the questions I have for myself. I don’t know if you’ve ever struggled with the beast of anxiety but mine has gotten a little over the top recently. So what do you do?i remind myself of the truth. The truth is that God is in control and I can trust him. The t Truthis that I am not in control and can do little to make things different than what they will be. I am trusting and hoping and tomorrow I will wake up and I will laugh at my tryst with anxiety again. It has done me no favours so why do I give it the time of day again and again?  Of course exhaustion is hot a big help and I am there again tonight. I should get some rest. 

I am fine

at least that’s what the ER Dr said. I don’t know why I find it so hard to trust but I seem to have to learn that lesson repeatedly. For now I trust. It’s a battle. Isaiah 41:10 say Be bold be strong for the Lord your God is with you. I’m hanging onto that one.Yonight I’m feeling less off and more like I was hit in the head with an iron skillet. I feel like my silly streak has gone missing and I search for it. I really enjoy being silly but wonder if this experience is taking the wind out of my silly sails. I’m sure it will happen by again.

There are nights that 

feel off. I have unusual symptoms that make me crazy. Do we go to the ER or wait? What is urgent? What isn’t? This is going to be the longest night ever.i have had symptoms of a blood clot for a while bu th Drs I’ve showed don’t get worried so then I don’t until it changes, which it did a bit today. All of my extra stuff creates a ripple effect…if Richard takes me in he loses sleep and so do the kids. Then church gets messed up. Then social expectations get changed. Then who knows what will spiral off of that?i feel a certain pressure at night because getting to medical attention is difficult and not getting to medical attention can be detrimental. Then what? The kids need someone here so it’s a long list of “is it worth it?”

I have a man that would adjust everything to get me what I need. Question is would the hospital have the knowledge that I need them to have to treat me? They may treat me with methods that could be detrimental because of their lack of experience. They have little neuro knowledge

So I sit here knowing that I will rest tonight in the knowledge that I leave my care in the hands