I am a disturbing

bblend of neandrathal, zombie and 2 yr old. It’s gotten crazy in this head fairly horro-scene quickly. Pray me out. I am hoping just to wake up coherent tomorrow. Whatever that is. Other than that, hav a great night.

What should I write? What do you want t know”.

Shrinkage

i guess as we look into the second half of my treatments as far as radiation goes  and as chemo may or may not change in the next while… We celebrate that we are getting closer to the end of this part of the battle. It hadn’t really struck me that this would mean more testing to see how the battle is actually raging inside of me. I mean,, I’m a warrior and all but I can only seen how hard it’s been thus far. I don’t know truly how the battle is going inside at a cellular level. 

I am amping up my prayers thatGod is,in his grace and mercy, zapping those cancer cells and protecting vulnerable cells and making them strong. That is my heartfelt and ferv rent prayers.  I am doing what I can to give it a fighting chance. The battle of the mind has been the biggest challenge for sure. As we look into the second half of radiation, I know you stand with me as I ask the Creator of the Universe to Heal my broken parts and to face the next days with grace. I am in sore need of rest, again, so I hope that comes. 

I thank God for my support team. My friends who give of their time, home, listening hearts, my ever patient husband who works, travels, is by my side often, my parents who parent my kids and stretch their mature bodies to do things the young should do. Thanks for thedance moms who help-my girls. And soccer moms who help my boys. Thanks to church friends who pray and feed us. Thanks for community members who are ready with wordsofkindness. 

So yes, we head into the next long half of or battle plan and I wonder. WHat is next for or little band of few? It’s been quite a whirlwind so far. 

I’m going to guess I can’t lose too much more hair. 💈

Had deeper things today but they are gone. Shoot.

Cozmpariwng mylife to the “walking Dead” 

Now there is a show I’m not recommending to watcanytime soon but I wouldn’t Stop watching because the storyline is enh

Gagging. Please do NOT START WATCCHING IT BASED ON THESE FEW LINES. I HAD A MUCH DEEPER POST IN MIND TONIGHT.

Wanting me back!

Truthfully I wonder. Where did she go? Is she coming back? I really liked how she didn’t freak out at the least tidbit of change. Like where did someone else put my purse? or place the chair at a different angle. It all makes my brain work hard and it then accumulates and I start to me crying or losing it i some way. Stupid. Silly even. Even waiting for the Dr became a big deaell because I really wanted to see my girl dance today and I did, but when I got to the competition, I realized there were a lot of people to adjust  my body around, lots of noise to navigate and darn it the brain uses a lot of energy figuring these things out. Even getting settled at the new place tonight. New medication location. Will I find it at night and know how much to take in the dark? My guy is here looking out for me but this stuff used to be MY stuff. Mommy stuff or at he very least taking care of my own self. I have become dependent and it’s getting to me. A. Little. 

Pray for the return of Marcy. Even a smidge. Oh, she may never truly be the same and that’s ok, there were some edges to take off anyways. To function at a steady rate would be fantastic though. If I could get from one transition or situation to another with grace calm and a good smile would be a blessing.
I want to resume chuckling out the door not wondering if I’ll smack into it first. Ok, so that could get a chuckle… 

I want to be Marcy again. Ai miss her. Who knew? 

Maybe in a while I’ll catch a glimpse of her fiery temper….her ability to smile at a stranger. Make small chit chat. I sense Marcy sized dreams but the means to go for them seem too lofty. Where do I find that motivation? The drive to work through the confusion and details?  I pray it shows up again. That Marcy girl. She’s got to be around here somewhere. 

Shifted

i I think this is a week where everything shifted. I do not want to sound alarming or scary but I feel like it was a shifting week. 

Trying to sty on the ice floe of positivity and keep everyone’s spirits up is exhausting. There I said it

Everyon is repeating. just stay posititive!,and I smile and say that I am doing what I can, but DANG,  do you know how hard it is to stay that positive when they are drilling your veins for the 10th time inten minutes for an IV? Or when the lady across the hall from you has screeched for the 1000th time that week, making it impossible to get a wink of restorative sleep for that entire week. Or, how about the sheer positivity I should exude when thy order another round of tests that will keep me in longer and probe more deeply. I’m sorry but my well of hope runs deeper than mere positivity and good thing too. Because the positive ran out with the 10th clanging and stinking bed pan.  I saw the pit of despair and it was not as funny as the Princess Bride type pit. It certainly did attempt to suck the very pit of my soul though. And came close. I was a breath away from losing that shred of hope. then God showed up in a way you may not expect. The warmth of friendship and hot milk. I needed it. also, a nurse who cared. Bless her. My dispair was lingering still around every sleep deprived corner. and there were plenty. all nigght long i fought despair. i am still feeling it peek around the curtain around at me. its mocking me. “stay positive,” it winks. surei caught A glimpse of heady hop last weekend when i got to go home and party. but when i got back, the party was over and the positivity scurried out the door with my sister, her boys, my husband and the warm milk.
yet there it is said again, and i am not sure people really know what they are sayin? i know they all mean well. i know it is said in love. iknow recoverygoesmuch more smoothly when positiviy can be acheived. how is it done exactly? im curious.here are a few things ive learned that i hope to put feet to when all is said and done. feet to when all is said and done.

since my brain has a hard time with noise, change, pain, and any sort of change right now each new thing was hellish. i really dont use thT lightly. even now, new noises startle and disorientate me. unpredictable shifts in conversations leavw me confused.
things that bring comfort and enhance the positive. people who reassure me of the truth. what day is it. what time is it? what great things are happening this week? what progress do we see? creature comforts like comfy blankies, slippers, icecream, donuts(within reasonlol), having people repect my limitations even online. checking to see if its a good time to visit. confusion is not my friend.

i dont even know if im making sense right now. i am trying to express that i am doing my very best to be positive during this whole thing and in the end im a fighter. having people around me who are doing their best to make my lifepredictable and easy are blessings. special thanks to my parents, my kids, my friends, mark and maria, and their kids. youve been beacons of hope and light who have made my life less out of control. when i wake up confused you are there to reassure me. when i lose my chargers and devices they find them.

i know this will get better and that gives me hope

so to wake up from a nap in pain is not just a simple “which batroom today?” its a matter of which one. can i get out of bed. which way?and is someone inthere? then there is the question of pain. where do i go for relief? who has control today and where are they? whereamI?why is my brain panicking? these things arent hard. but they are.
“” in the end I give thanks to my Hope and my sustainer. He calms me down in ways Ativan can’t.